Sexual Pain: 7 myths women should stop believing
Pain during sex is one of those topics people whisper about, joke about, or completely normalize when they should absolutely not.
If you have ever been told to relax, have a glass of wine, or just push through it, I need you to hear this clearly.
Pain during sex is not normal.
It is common, but common does not mean healthy.
In today’s post, we are busting seven major myths about pain during sex, especially as they show up for overwhelmed women who live with anxiety, trauma, burnout, and chronic stress. I am bringing the science, the therapy lens, and just enough sass to call out advice that has no business still circulating.
Let’s clear this up.
Pain During Sex Myth #1: Pain Is Normal for Women
This myth has been around forever, which honestly says more about how women’s pain has been dismissed than anything else.
Pain during sex is not something you are supposed to tolerate, accept, or power through. It is a signal. Always.
Pain can be linked to:
Pelvic floor tension
Anxiety and chronic stress
Trauma history
Hormonal changes
Nervous system dysregulation
Just because many women experience pain does not mean it is normal or inevitable.
What to do instead:
Treat pain as information, not a personal failure. Your body is communicating something important, and it deserves to be listened to.
Pain During Sex Myth #2: It’s All in Your Head
If you have ever been told that pain during sex is psychological, let me clarify something important.
Pain is real, even when it is influenced by the nervous system.
Stress, anxiety, and trauma do not make pain imaginary. They change how the brain and body process sensation. A dysregulated nervous system can increase muscle tension, reduce arousal, and heighten pain signals.
Your mind and body are connected. That does not mean the pain is made up.
What to do instead:
Look for support that addresses both the body and the nervous system, not one or the other.
Pain During Sex Myth #3: You Just Need to Relax
This advice sounds harmless. It is not.
Telling someone in pain to relax is like telling someone with a broken ankle to walk it off.
When your body perceives sex as unsafe, relaxing is not a choice. It is a nervous system response.
For many women, especially those with trauma or chronic stress, the body stays guarded even when the mind wants intimacy.
What to do instead:
Focus on safety, not relaxation. Safety comes first. Relaxation follows.
Pain During Sex Myth #4: More Lubrication Will Fix It
Lubrication can help with friction, but it does not address the root cause of pain for many women.
If pain is coming from muscle tension, fear responses, lack of arousal, or trauma patterns, lube alone will not solve it.
Lubrication is a tool, not a cure.
What to do instead:
Pay attention to arousal, emotional safety, pacing, and body awareness. These matter just as much as lubrication, if not more.
Pain During Sex Myth #5: If You Loved Your Partner Enough, It Would Not Hurt
This myth is harmful and unfair.
Pain during sex has nothing to do with how much you love or desire your partner. It has everything to do with how safe your body feels in the moment.
You can deeply love someone and still experience pain during sex. Love does not override nervous system responses.
What to do instead:
Remove shame from the conversation. Pain is not a reflection of attraction, commitment, or emotional closeness.
Pain During Sex Myth #6: You Should Push Through to Get Used to It
This advice is one of the fastest ways to make pain worse.
Pushing through pain teaches the nervous system that sex is unsafe. Over time, the body learns to brace even more, increasing tension and discomfort.
This can turn occasional pain into chronic pain.
What to do instead:
Stop at the first sign of discomfort. Build positive, safe experiences slowly. Your nervous system learns through repetition.
Pain During Sex Myth #7: Therapy Will Not Help With Physical Pain
This is where a lot of people get stuck.
Sex therapy and trauma-informed therapy do not ignore the body. They help retrain the brain body connection, reduce fear responses, and increase safety and pleasure.
For many women, especially those with anxiety or trauma histories, pain during sex is linked to how the nervous system learned to protect.
What to do instead:
Look for support that understands sex, trauma, anxiety, and the body. You do not have to choose between physical and emotional care.
The Bigger Truth About Pain During Sex
Pain during sex is not a personal flaw.
It is not something you need to tolerate.
And it is not something you have to figure out alone.
Your body is not broken. It is responding exactly the way it learned to.
And that means it can learn something new.
Ready to Take This Work Deeper?
If this post stirred something in you, curiosity, relief, or even frustration, that matters.
I offer sex therapy, somatic therapy, and trauma-informed support for women navigating pain during sex, anxiety, and burnout.
If you are located in Charlotte or anywhere in North Carolina, Florida, or South Carolina, you can schedule a free consultation to explore what support might look like for you.
You deserve intimacy that feels safe, connected, and pleasurable. Not something you endure.
Now tell me, which myth have you heard the most?
