What is Self-Sabotage and Why It’s Blocking You from the Life You Deserve

Let’s be honest.

You’re smart. You’re self-aware. You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, maybe even dipped your toes into therapy. But somehow, you still find yourself entertaining situationships that drain you, playing small at work, or people-pleasing your way into burnout. And you’re sick of it.

I see you. I was you. And sis, it’s not because you’re broken. It’s because you’re stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage.

Before I truly understood self-sabotage, I thought I was just “bad at boundaries” or “too emotional.” But what I was really doing was protecting myself from disappointment and vulnerability… while simultaneously blocking my blessings. Oop.

And once I realized how many other women, especially high-achieving, emotionally exhausted, do-it-all Black women and other women of color, were battling the same thing, I knew I had to speak on it.

If you want real love, real confidence, and real peace, it starts with breaking the patterns keeping you stuck. So let’s get into it.

What is Self-Sabotage?

At its core, self-sabotage is when your thoughts or behaviors block you from what you say you want. It can look like procrastinating, ghosting opportunities, settling for less, or overthinking your way out of joy.

Let’s break that down a bit more.

Self-sabotage is often rooted in fear—fear of failure, fear of success, fear of vulnerability, or even fear of freedom. And for women…especially Black women and other women of color, it’s often layered with generational trauma, perfectionism, and feeling like we have to earn our rest or our worth.

So even when something good shows up, your inner critic is whispering, “Don’t get too comfortable.”

Why You Need to Understand It

You can’t heal what you don’t name. And self-sabotage is sneaky.

Reason #1: It keeps you in survival mode
You’re used to being the strong one. But constantly bracing for the worst isn’t a personality trait; it’s a trauma response. When you understand your patterns, you can begin to shift into ease and trust.

Reason #2: It blocks emotional intimacy
You crave deep, soulful connections, but still push people away, overshare with the wrong folks, or settle for surface-level love. Sound familiar?

Reason #3: It drains your confidence
You start questioning your worth every time you replay old mistakes or over-identify with your struggles. Understanding self-sabotage helps you stop confusing struggle with strength.

A Real-World Example

Let’s say you’re finally dating someone who is emotionally available (praise be). But instead of leaning into the safety, you find yourself nitpicking, avoiding communication, or waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s not intuition, it’s self-sabotage disguised as protection.

3 Tips to Start Breaking the Cycle

Tip #1: Call it out, don’t shame it.
When you notice the pattern (“Ugh, I’m doing the thing again”), pause and ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen if I let this be easy?”

Tip #2: Create micro-boundaries.
You don’t have to flip your whole life overnight. Start by saying no to one energy-draining task this week and watch what opens up.

Tip #3: Get support that actually supports.
Healing is not a solo sport. Whether it’s therapy, a supportive friend, or a boundaries workshop, you deserve a space where you can be held and challenged without judgment.

Key Takeaways

Self-sabotage isn’t about being broken; it’s about protection that’s outlived its purpose. Understanding and interrupting your patterns is how you get free.

At Liberated Lotus Therapy + Wellness, I help ambitious women release the emotional baggage, rewrite their inner dialogue, and reclaim their confidence without guilt or burnout. If you’re ready to set boundaries that actually stick and finally believe you’re enough, without proving or performing, I’ve got you.

👉 Click here to learn more about my Boundaries and Confidence Therapy.

Your peace, joy, and freedom are worth the work. Let’s get you there.